“Marriage should be honored by all“
Hebrews 13: 4
Ladies looking for a husband
Two days before Saint Valentine‘s day, the second week into my sabbatical leave, the time has come: I have begun reading Jane Austen‘s Pride and Prejudice today. By now I am already introduced to Mr Bingley and Mr Darcy, the two bachelors who both rank Jane Bennett as pretty. Mr Bingley is “good looking and gentlemanlike“, with “a pleasant countenance, and easy, unaffected manners“ (Ignatius Press Critical Editions, p. 10). He is new in the neighborhood, and at a ball he impresses all the ladies: “lively and unreserved“ he “(makes) himself acquainted with all the principal people in the room“ and “(dances) every dance“ (p. 10). He is a man who can be “sure of being liked wherever he (appears)“ (p. 16). Mr Darcy, his friend, on the other hand, is a man who is “continually giving offence“ (p. 16). Though a “fine, tall person“ with “handsome features, noble mien“ he vexes the society of wanting to get married ladies – because he dances with none of them! Jane Bennett‘s mother sums up the inconvenience of this young gentleman with these words, when she reports to her husband how the evening went about:
“he is a most disagreeable, horrid man, not at all worth pleasing. So high and so conceited that there was no enduring him! He walked here, and he walked there, fancying himself so very great! Not handsome enough to dance with! I wish you had been there, my dear, to have given him one of your set downs. I quite detest the man.“
Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, Ignatius Press Critical Editions, p. 13
After only four chapters I already suspect that all is not quite as it occurs to be at first sight, on the surface. The very same woman uttering this verdict about Mr Darcy is introduced to us as “a woman of mean understanding, little information, and uncertain temper“ (p. 5), who is obsessed with getting her daughters married. She advocates for everybody‘s darling: Mr Bingley. The reader cannot help but doubt that Mr Bingley is a prospective husband as good as everybody says and that Mr Darcy is not. “All that glisters is not gold“ (William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice).
It‘s easy to fall for the easy-going sunnyboy (Mr Bingley) – the one every lady loves, the one who knows how to play the social game – and it‘s hard to take pleasure in the complicated “is he forever going to stand in his own way?“ walking contradiction of a gentleman (Mr Darcy). But it‘s not that hard to imagine that the problem with the former type of gentleman is exactly that every lady loves him – that he wins every heart with frightening ease. And the great advantage of the latter type of gentleman might be that there is maybe only one who is able to open her heart to him and to crack his mind and behavior – and to soothe him so much, that he eventually shoots exceptionally high on the gentleman chart. The Mr Bingley kind of man does not need a woman – he is self-sufficient in being a complete gentleman already by himself – , while the Mr Darcy kind of man is in desperate need of a woman who helps him overcome his awkwardness, who refines him to a complete gentleman. We tend to think that we are waiting for Mr Bingley. Of Mr Darcys, of complicated men one does not understand, we’ve already had enough. But ponder what I just said. How attractive is a man, who does not need any one woman, but enchants all the women, really? And how can Mr Bingley ever fall in love, dancing every dance, and how can Mr Darcy not fall in love, whenever wherever he finds a woman who bears with him?
The story of Tobias and Sara
The pathway to the happily ever after marriage can be a tough and difficult one. The wife’s prayers are full of tears, the husband‘s journey is long and full of hazards, and demons have to be bound with the help of the archangel Raphael. Such is the story of Tobias and Sara, which we find in Sacred Scripture.
Sara beseeches God in prayer to deliver her from her sufferings.
“Because she had been given to seven husbands, and a devil named Asmodeus had killed them, at their first going in unto her.“
Tobit 3: 8
Sara‘s parents had sought out and found for her several good and charming Mr Bingleys to become her husband – and they had to come up with seven of them. One after the other dies during their wedding night before the marriage can be consummated and sealed in the union of the flesh. The archangel Raphael explains to both us and to Tobias, whom he commands to take Sara as his wife, why these things, which have given Sara such a great deal of suffering and reproach, had to happen:
“Hear me, and I will shew thee who they are, over whom the devil can prevail. For they who in such manner receive matrimony, as to shut out God from themselves, and from their mind, and to give themselves to their lust, as the horse and mule, which have not understanding, over them the devil hath power.“
Tobit 6: 16-17
The seven men were not men of God, but men of lust. Like “the horse and the mule“ they lacked any understanding of the sacredness of matrimony, of its holy origin and its holy purpose. They were ready to marry Sara solely on account of the prospect of all the pleasure they might get from her.
The eighth man is the right one: it is Tobias, son of a very righteous man by the same name. His father, who suffers from an illness of the eyes and is sure to die soon, sends him on a journey to the city of Rages, together with a dog and the angel Raphael, whom they all behold for a man, with the task to get some money back that he once lent to a friend. What young Tobias does not know, is that both Sara‘s and his father‘s prayers “were heard in the sight of the glory of the most high God“ (Tobit 3: 24) and that “the holy angel of the Lord, Raphael was sent to heal them both“ (Tobit 3: 25). His future wife had prayed thus:
“Thou knowest, O Lord, that I never coveted a husband, and have kept my soul clean from all lust. Never have I joined myself with them that play: neither have I made myself partaker with them that walk in lightness. But a husband I consented to take, with thy fear, not with my lust. And either I was unworthy of them, or they perhaps were not worthy of me: because perhaps thou hast kept me for another man. For thy counsel is not in man‘s power.“
Tobit 3: 16-20
Indeed, all the seven Mr Bingleys were not worthy of Sara and she was kept for the eighth man, her true husband – a man who does not come with a demon, but enjoys the company of an angel. This angel gives young Tobias sound advice when he is afraid that he might perish like the seven other men once he goes in unto Sara to make her his wife:
“But thou when thou shalt take her, go into the chamber, and for three days keep thyself continent from her, and give thyself to nothing else but to prayers with her. And on that night lay the liver of the fish on the fire, and the devil shall be driven away. But the second night thou shalt be admitted into the society of the holy Patriarchs. And the third night thou shalt obtain a blessing that sound children may be born of you. And when the third night is past, thou shalt take the virgin with the fear of the Lord, moved rather for love of children than for lust, that in the seed of Abraham thou mayst obtain a blessing in children.“
Tobit 6: 18-22
Tobias and Sara shall obtain blessings for their marriage through prayer and devotion – this shall be the foundation of their covenant, not their carnal desires, which they shall see not as ends in and of themselves but as means to fruitfulness, to bringing children into the world. They shall establish their covenant in the Lord and look to Him first before looking to one another and consummating their marriage. As young Tobias tells Sara:
“For we are the children of saints, and we must not be joined together like heathens that know not God.“
Tobit 8: 5
After a glittering wedding party with Sara, Tobias remembers the holy angel’s words, and puts the part of the fish liver “upon burning coals“ (Tobit 8: 2). And at this moment, the demon is bound by Saint Raphael “in the desert of upper Egypt“ (Tobit 8: 3), which is probably a good region for locking up demons and keeping them from harming people…. Together the newlyweds beseech the Lord for His blessing upon their union:
“And Tobias said: Lord God of our father, may the heavens and the earth, and the sea, and the fountains, and the rivers, and all thy creatures that are in them, bless thee. Thou madest Adam of the slime of the earth, and gavest him Eve for a helper. And now, Lord, thou knowest, that not for fleshly lust do I take my sister to wife, but only for the love of posterity, in which thy name may be blessed for ever and ever. Sara also said: Have mercy on us, O Lord, have mercy on us, and let us grow old both together in health.“
Tobit 8: 7-10
Don‘t you love this 16th century English translation? “Thou madest Adam of the slime of the earth, and gavest him Eve for a helper“… Thou madest clueless Mr Darcy of the slime of the earth… But with the help of an angel he finds his way.
Saint Francis de Sales‘ advice to married persons
Marriage, tells us Saint Francis de Sales, a good messenger like the archangel Raphael, with whom I travel through the month of February,
“is honorable to all, in all, and in everything, that is, in all its parts. To all, for the unmarried should esteem it in humility; in all, for it is as holy to the poor as to the rich; in everything, for its institution, its end, its purpose, its form, and its matter, are all holy. It is the orchard of Christianity, which fills the world with the Faithful in order to fill up the number of the elect in Heaven, and it greatly concerns the public welfare that the sanctity of marriage, which is the source of all its well-being, be preserved inviolate. Would that our Blessed Savior were always invited to all marriage-feasts, as to that of Cana. (John 2). Then the wine of consolation and benediction would never be lacking. For the reason this is so scarce is that Adonis is invited instead of Jesus Christ, and Venus instead of His Blessed Mother. (…)
Saint Francis de Sales, Philothea or An Introduction to the Devout Life, TAN Classics, p. 231-233
It was God who brought Eve to Adam and gave her to him as his wife, and it is God, my friends, who with His invisible hand bound the knot which unites you and gave you to one another; therefore give good heed that you cherish a love which is holy, sacred, and divine.
The first result of such love is the indissoluble union of your hearts. If two pieces of wood are carefully glued together, their union will be so close that it is easir to break them in some fresh place than where they were joined; and God so unites man and wife, that it is easir to sever soul and body than those two. And this union is less that of the body, than of the heart, its affections and love.
The second result of this love is inviolable fidelity. Of old a man‘s seal was always engraved on a ring which he wore on his finger, as is frequently testified in Holy Scripture; and this is the meaning of the marriage ceremony. The Church, through her priest, blesses a ring, and giving it to the man thereby seals his heart with this Sacrament, so that it may never be given to any other woman, as long as this one lives. Then the bridegroom places the ring on the hand of his bride, that she in like manner may know that her heart must never be given to any other man than to him whom Christ has given her.
The third end of marriage is the birth and bringing up of children. And surely it is a great honor to be permitted to increase the number of souls whom God will save, and who will serve Him through all eternity; your part being to bring forth those bodies, into which He will infuse an immortal soul. Therefore do you, husbands, preserve a tender, constant, and heartfelt love for your wives; the woman was taken from that side which was nearest Adam‘s heart, that she might be the more heartily and tenderly loved. The weakness and infirmities of your wife, whether mental or bodily, should not excite your contempt, but rather a tender loving compassion; since God has created woman to be dependent on you, and to add to your honor and esteem, and although she is given to be your companion, you are still her head and her superior. And do you, wives, love the husbands God has given you, tenderly, heartily, but with a respectful love and full of reverence; for it is God‘s Will to make them the superior and more vigorous sex, and He has ordained that woman should be dependent upon man, bone of his bone, flesh of his flesh, taking her from his ribs and beneath his arm, to show that she is to be subject to the hand of her husband. And Holy Scripture forcibly incalculates this subjection, at the same time making it light to bear, not only bidding you bear the yoke in love, but also bidding husbands to use their power gently and lovingly. St. Peter says, ‘Ye husbands, likewise dwelling with them according to knowledge, giving honor to the female as to the weaker vessel.‘ (1 Peter 3: 7)“
Saint Valentine‘s Day, and patron saints of marriage
So yes, in two days from now, it is the feast day of Saint Valentine, the 14th February, which is part of the liturgy of the Church since the year 496. Remembered is the day of his martyrdom on the Via Flaminia in Rome in 269 A.D.
A very common and widespread hagiography of this saintly man is the one that is the backdrop for our meanwhile highly commercialized and exploited custom of exchanging greetings and gifts between lovers on Valentine‘s Day. It is said that Saint Valentine was a priest martyred for his refusal to deny Christ and that throughout his years of ministry he wedded Christian couples secretly, the Church’s marriage ceremonies having been forbidden under the rule of the Emperor Claudius. He is therefore a patron saint of romantic love – of fiancés, and of marriage.
Yet, in case we should need their intercession – and in days as hostile to the blessing of marriage as ours we surely do need all of them as helpers along the way: there are many more saints entrusted with a special patronage on holy matrimony, and it is in fact impossible to mention and honor all of them here.
It should not come as much of a surprise to us, once we know the story in the book of Tobit, that the archangel Saint Raphael is not only implored as the patron saint of travelers, of healing and of physicians and nurses, but also of marriages. His traditional feast day is the 24th October.
And then there is, of course, Saint Joseph, the Blessed Virgin‘s chaste, humble and noble husband, whose feast day is celebrated on the 19th March. Venerable Archbishop Fulton Sheen once called the marriage of Joseph and Mary “the world‘s happiest marriage“.
Saint Anthony of Padua, that great saint who is remembered each year on the 13th June and whom the Portuguese people wish to claim as Saint Anthony of Lisboa, in honor of the place where he was born, is beseeched by the faithful so often in prayer and in so many needs and troubles, that he certainly never runs out of work. His patronage also includes marriage, especially finding a good spouse, barrenness and pregnant women.
Last, but not least there is Saint Monica, the extraordinary mother of Saint Augustine of Hippo, bishop and doctor of the Church: She lived with an unbelieving and unfaithful husband for many years and brought many supplications along with tears before the Lord on behalf of him and her wayward son. Of her is true, what Saint Peter insinuates in one of his letters, and what Saint Paul advises the believers at Corinth to do:
In like manner also let wives be subject to their husbands: that if any believe not the word, they may be won without the word, by the conversation of the wives. Considering your chaste conversation with fear, whose adorning let it not be the outward plaiting of the hair, or the wearing of gold, or the putting on of apparel: but the hidden man of the heart in the incorruptibility of a quiet and a meek spirit, which is rich in the sight of God. For after this manner heretofore the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves (…).“
1 Peter 3: 1-5
“And if any woman hath a husband that believeth not, and he consent to dwell with her, let her not put away her husband. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the believing wife; and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the believing husband: otherwise your children should be unclean; but now they are holy.“
1 Corinthians 7: 13-14
Like Sara’s prayers of affliction, Saint Monica’s prayer was “heard in the sight of the glory of the most high God“ (Tobit 3: 24). Her husband was baptized on his deathbed, and her son Augustine at age 33, completely leaving behind his former way of life. Saint Monica, therefore, is the patron saint of married women and of difficult marriages. We remember her on the 4th May.
This year Saint Valentine‘s Day is a Friday, the day dedicated to the Passion of the Lord, on which we recite the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary – the day on which we join Sara and Saint Monica “in prayer with tears“ (Tobit 3: 11).
Holy Archangel Raphael, Saint Joseph, Saint Anthony of Padua, Saint Francis de Sales, and Saint Valentine, pray for us!, including each lady‘s Mr Darcy.